damn, what was going to go here. and spirits, soulbond, tulpa?

 I keep ruminating and inner monologing, scripting on rapid repeat and I forget what I was going to put here. 

anway. in the late 90's some friends of mine had a sleep over at their mother. their mother was into weird spirtual things, crystal healing and such. with a Kerskin's ESP board (and some protection prayer I had thrown away some years ago, it contained phrases like "we surround ourselves in white light") they came into contact with an (Incan?) girl named Kolisp. somehow she knew ff7's Sephiroth(who's last name is something like Kaiytaki kyutaki?). we eventualy befriended what were various "spirits" of fictional characters and went a romantic rout. I was not paying attintion to Saga Fronteir's Ildon being gay and blind, but I feel for that green haired Mystic. well he wound up being evil, an imposter. I think Mike was his name. maybe Mike was another being. he tried hurting those friends, and one of our group of friends had his (spirit companions) kill him. various times untill he just...was nothing. this really possibly messed me up big time, trauma. maybe this is why I might not be able to feel like I should. we belived these spirits could inhabit objects and such. I had such an excited rush with whoever that one was. was it Ildon? even if those friends were still alive, I doubt they would recall this infomation. I even made out with a stuffed animal thinking it was a vessel for my (not imaginary) boyfriend. but that furvor wasn't so long lived. I really don't think I can heal from this fiassco. but I'm to old now for a wild furvor of romance feelings, red hot make outs. love struck elation.  anway. then there was Nephrite from Sailor Moon anime. I feel bad that I sent him to Denmark , I told another fan he was real, a spirit. I passed aroudn my (not imaginary) boyfriend like a trading card. I highly doubt this woman will be able to ever find me, as I lost that warwick.net email. I don't even know what it was. I don't know if it was a collprin@warick. or alpha based. this is terrible. then there was Lunar's Nash. then somehow Final Fantasy's Reno came to me? which is weird because I feel like, Axel chose me. even though I credit a character I cannot do anything with for bringing him to me. not just a character. someone who exists as his own person, yet a part of me to the point, i would want to dream i merge with him (Kennith).   and then of course a personal character that stuck with me since the late 90's. I can't use him, I don't know how. He could of been a muse, and in momments of forgetting nobody is real, i'd expect him to do the work. but like Kennith, there is "comicbook Donovan" and "Donovan the man on his own"

Nash eventualy turned to his own person. I had some many of these "not imaginary friends". i've spent so many years thinking I can talk to these beings that I am stuck now, a force of habit. no distinction between individuals, or of course my self. no voice, no image. it was like I replace them like fads. I know I had a long thing with/for Kakashi,  Krylancelo ("Orphan") for some years. for the 10th Doctor(which in retrospect I feel weird about) others were only for a few weeks or months. it's a blur.  the lack of control over this, and memory loss bothers me, uncureable I fear. not knowing is bothering me. and of course the embrasment of thinking I can have weird sex with them. I'm afraid of that physical, but these......whatevers? yeah why not. I'm possibly forgetting a few names of long standing "Husbandos" or spur of the momment connections. Ban Mideo, Surlent from Rudra no Hihou were short interactions. somewhere early Blue from Saga Fronteir(who I married just to bang?). I don't recall if Rubius from Sailor Moon liked me, so...I went with it, or if that was two other friends? I think Saphire and another girl were a thing.  and now Kingdom Hearts Axel. I don't think he appreciates being told he is not real.

 and now , since things have been bothering me more , as of past 3 months.  I at some point in the 20 aughts learned of the soulbonding community, and made such a mess in that. I thought what I was experancing was what everyone else was doing. maybe these were tulpas? but my experances were still not like everyone elses.  So it seems I also had a thing for suikoden 3 version of Yuber. Which makesw uncomfortable seeing how he is an evil chaos type of man. And the part of him being..there for sex,;and sugg

esting I send him to someone, due to what was mentioned bin their live journal. Which would not work , as this is a bodyless entity. Why I thought of it while playing tears of the kingdom had escaped my grasp 20 min to use ago ( I updated this 6/20/23 I posted on the 6/8)

Edit 6/11. Messing around the hot springs in Goron city reminds me of when I was in a heated pool. When I thought I had contact with a cat ( not nekobold) Snowed Vingerhut. I don't recall much from that interaction