but why am I not in a good mind

7/123 7:15 pm

I really wish I knew what happened in March I asked to change my 200 mg of lamotrigine to 100, as I did not feel better. Then a few weeks later I started to feel weird. Then I discovered elfwood, and wyverns library is gone. Even if they were not, the email I signed up with is gone. But then a few days ago I found a paper with info. Then I rememberwd how horrible I was to a friend because I was jealous, and she died and I cannot apologize, but I was told I was forgiven. Rerembering that was a torturous week. I hardly ate for a few days. I also got freaked out over all the connections  I lost. And how the aughts were full of forms. And live journal, and more connectivity  even if not mental health did not make it that good. My internet use is not the same and I miss the fourms. I don't even know how I found them, and if I could find more. If people still use then. This is  my world ( I need to watch how I type on the phone,I get autocorrect like budget and words like kyvwirld) Then now and then I am bothered by computers. Files, objects and people I lost. Regrets of selling or throwing objects away. And it's been going on. I thought I would of adjusted , but I did not. And the awful feeling is persistent. I deleted a Zelda classic quest with no content, I feel like I should not.  I freak out over how much time had passed between using that program, and old emails. I deleted some because they were drama and complaining. I am upset I deleted those, from a person I have  not had contact with for years  I am upset at lost emails. My contacts my sites I joined with. Not that I could go back to neopets. I already would be weirded out over playing a game I did years ago, and now it is worse. Is nostalgia supposed to give anxiety? I can't bring myself to. And there are so many games I never finished. The same with a show. I would love to finish Detective Conan, but a two week break, and I can't bring myself to find that site. I don't recall when I ran out of episodes, that lack of info freaks me out. panic. I will just say somewhere in April.

And it just us worse and worse. And I don't know if immunotherapy or chemo damaged me. Or this is shock. But it is hard living like this. I don't know if I can dialectical therapy myself  well. And this Axel thing does not help. part of this loss anxiety makes me think of a hoarder who thinks something bad will happen if they get rid of a napkin.

One of the things bothering me is how I let this cool decoration, a fake plant with human legs, a can can tree air outside, get sun bleached and thrown away. That is so unlike me. That was cool tree. I don't think I can find another. I don't even recall what the flower part looked like, so I can get fabric flowers and recreate then to sell . I can't make the petals out of plastic. I lack the materials. This is really bothering me. Anguish I can't live like this 

Then I gad thoughts of putting my cat to sleep. Ye had  intestine cancer he was possibly suffering. Animals hide that. I did the right thing and not see how long he could last. Loose. Rank selling poops 5 times a day and soon after eating. And I thought. Maybe I acted too soon . And I panicked over that.

7/16/23 8:41

Like, there was a video ad for meowii on Facebook with a cool song. I can't find that one. If is frustrating me. I want that song. And cant find the video. Heart exploding upset. Why does it have to be this way. The loss of control getting to me.

7/18/23 4:59

I've been feeling like I need to keep a record of the wacky words that come from typos I make on my phone, or it will agonize me . Typos could make cool fantasy names. , Imagine the undead  demon wizard  Mybalwxia. Can you pronounce it? Maybe not

 Or maybe Mybalwxia is a sassy child of immigrants.

7/22/23 9:45 pm

I have been saving posts from fb now. I am glad I did otherwise I would of not have the song from the mewaii Black Friday 2022 video. I will use it as an alarm.

But I am really not having a good time. Between uncertainty and constant death anxiety, this Axel issue is making it hard to enjoy being awake. I don't know if I still love Axel. Or I loved the other one I shut out. Of I did that in mid June. It doesn't feel like him if I keep talking myself. I am terrorized by not knowing what to do or what I am feeling. Constantly. I did not realize I had a sembelence of joy. And then that makes me panic. It's a nightmare and I am afraid it won't go away. I can't think myself out, and I don't want more pharmaceuticals.

7/23/23 7:29 pm.

I really should not be playing videogames in this state. I have been playing fire emblem engage for some time. And I got so used to picking up every item off the ground at the somiel, that I feel I still need to. And of course bond shards need to be collected, but I am getting tired of that routine, but it will bother me that I don't get them all. I am so glad the internet exists so I can view all the support conversation. It would be agonizing running around and watching them all. I am not in the mood for these kinds of RPGs. Which is a shame because I loved them so much..jow I just feel so frustrated and bord with the grinding. Impatient.

This seems to be part of what happened in March. Which I guess I should of started blogging then. Now that bothers me. What happened ? 

And I am still upset over Axel. I think I did irreparable damage to myself 

7/26/23 6:26 pm

so I forgot about the freak out session I had, when on the left side of the facebook, it shows your contacts in the chat? even if I didn't talk to some of them much, and 2 of them only knew me though school as my (superior?) and a friend of my grandmother. they show up. they show up and they are dead. and they are there, and never green dot. and that really messed me up, in March, when in that vunerable state. I unfriended them hoping they will not show up. and now I regret that(partly due to thinking someone might want to find me or know me) acctualy I have a lot of dead people on my fb friends. who I think I removed. because i freaked out. and now I freak out over the regret. 

7/27/23 5:16 am

I am not in the mood mind to play the video games. I don't know if I was always like this, but it has been worse that I feel like I need to rerember dumb things like what I named or renamed a character in a final a game in 2020, or my Pokemon. It just botherse that I think it is important. Maybe it is a control thing.

6:21 pm

I ruminate and think the words to much in my head the same conversation prep over and over. Or think the words as if someone is there. It is possibly a bad idea to force myself to stop,bad then I will just be space out and thoughtless. And more scared to be alone, and feel like Intavw histrionic tendencies. I can't believe up the internet. And I need to share the thoughts.  But I'm not prepeping my Axel conversation like I was yesterday. Maybe I just got worn down. " Try not to think of it "  but I need to rerember what I am going to say and hope I don't cry. I just can't talk of this with some people. But I feel not good. Maybe I need to hydrate. But I am full.

8/23/23 6:45 pm

I am overwhelmed over which plush to be my new "best buddy" even though it might not make me feel as good as Axel did. My mom thinks it's a good idea to give him a break, when I said the plush makes me sad and nervous.nindid not tell yet he also feels empty and I am not as enthusiastic over it doll. I don't think I out grew him,( it?) Over the course of a week. Now I have a Lissipuppe 17 inch long cat since some time in July. I can't let it get to me when I bought it at a fair for $10. I named it churro  because it is tan .No receipt. Do I glom onto this as a security blanket or my mewaii " mint cat" ?

9/2/23 7;01 pm

i am not sure what is going on with me. sometimes I think I should try not thinking to much, talk in my head to much as if someone is there, or ruminate. I can't clear my mind for calmness, I just get extra jumpy. and it has made my mind in a worse spot. it's overwhelming I don't know what is going on, and I can't describe it. and it is frustrating, I wish I could project it all onto others, especaly ones qualifyed to diagnose me. but even then, I am powerless to do anything. it gets to me when I watch healthy gamer's videos. no escape. medication is the only answer I guess. and it feels defeting. and I am still messed up over the Axel thing. I think my forcing half of him out of my mind gave me some trauma. calling it trauma might be offensive to those who did experance it. I can't escape, I assume some disociation would help. and now I am told it may of been wrong for my therapist to tell me that it might be a problem if I thought he was real. there are things in my life, and things that could and will eventualy happen that have me so wound up I can't think and I feel stunned. I wonder if I have any other conditions that affect functioing. but sursumbing to the helplessness of "it can't be fixed" gets to me more. one dosen't tell someone with functioning issues "just try harder", "calm down, get it together, try harder". "have you tried taking care of yourself?" "just lazy and weak" I feellike if I don't understand, it's that I'm not trying hard to learn. I get overhwelmed and I can't think. I need to react quick. sink or swim. fight as if my life depended on it.

9/21/23 6:46 pm

It is more upsetting forget things. Anything..Ike a conversation I would of prepared about my stuffed animal cat I named churro. How churro is not Axel and didn't do his job, because I am not going to create a whole personality and character for a halfbaked imaginary friend. What was I going to give as examples of what churro likes and does. Or say besides " I'm a cat I don't know" or " meow". It hurts that I feel it is important to recall. But it is so stupid. Just, talking to some about it.  What I would say. 

9/23/23 5:47

I wish things from the past did not make me panic or weirded out. It had gotten worse since March. I'm trying to draw wings again because I think drawing roosters would get me money. And I am reminded of all the sttife and drama from my gryphon days. And I never understood the wings. There are so many and I hope I don't wind up making a chicken with hawk wings. I think I need to show every feather, like in the past when I wanted to out bird people but not be serious about the art.  Or I should do stylized chickens. Now I will always think of this when trying to draw . I draw to what is playing in the background. Finding something and seeing things from years ago just gives me that panic. Not warm " oh man I love this. Let me watch " but just dread of the flow of time and some place I can't get. It wasn't that bad but it gets worse. If it's months ago or when I was way younger. I'm weirded out. I don't even know if I want to watch something like Hey Arnold again. I was able to watch Beavis and Butthead without freaking out. I gave so many video games I can't finish because of this issue. It gets worse when I realize how long it has been since I last touched it

 And I keep thinking I will play something again

 I did with persona 4 but got distracted and I could not max out many  social links. But a game in past played in 2000 or ,,1998? I have no contact with people from then.

I also have this problem if thinking about what I was thinking about. That trigger. I would

Then think. I play tears of the kingdom and try to figure out a puzzle, but I also think of what I want to say to someone, while doing it, and I kept that. The trigger. I will play the game and think of what I was doing or thinking the first time. I am suprieec I can play Link's awakening because of this reason if considering  that was given to me for my hospital as stay for neck surgery.

I can't have they days and that me . Maybe my mental and emotional well-being was better then. I can't get that back  . So I get frazzled.

This is a tortured life

6:17.

U had to have tooth #5 pulled, one with a crown and root canal because of an infection. I had the root canal march 2022 and I lived with an infection for a time. The oral surgeon said  he washed out the infection, I thought maybe the frantic mood was my body knowing something was wrong, and I should be like I was, or was pre chemo but I am still bad, as I was in July or August when I tried to clear my mind d and relax. I don't know why that was so jarring, like my shock in March and shock in June over killing the part of me that was Axel. And the fear of being alone, the inevitable being alone and I need help living and taking care of my adult life. Shock..trauma. anxiety. And being upset evenorr over everything lost. No forget, no not caring. Attachments. Monks perfecting letting go and not being phased are amazing. 

My mood worsens when I watch healthy gamer's videos. How weak I am and I get more upset I don't know how to get better.bibwouks need to get rid of the life I have now,other change give me anxiety.bivtontbknowvwhs ( I don't know,);, what I would do. So I am overwhelmed and stunned. Lost.

9/27/23 1:58 pm

I would get these nervous feelings surrounding doing things, like the phone anxiety. But for any thing else. Like I want to avoid it. It's been worse since March since Axel, since I tried to calm and clear my mind

Why am I feeling this way for even doing something like raking the ps2 out of my mom's room and hooking it up to my TV? Or it's the same as the nervous feeling of going back to something from the past. Why do I feel like breaking down over watching an old TV show, not so old show , or playing a video game I did from long ago, or finishing one tgstcibstopped olsyinf in 2002.  I am not enjoying this. I don't know what it is. I want to hook my brain up to someone who had studied this field of health science.

9/28/23 7:53. Here I am again. Trying to fall asleep, peeping what I could say. Now I forget. I can't silence it. That idea if clear and quiet is the idea of empty, a void. And that is frightening. I don't know it. The same when I stopped talking to my Axel. That nothing is scary. I forgot what I was going to put here. Now it bothered me, frustrated. Forgetting. All the time.  Almost the same thoughts as soon as I hit the pillow. It doesn't help that it also feels like my mind wanders and the only thing close to that void is spacing out which sometimes feels like nonsense running in the background. It has been worse. I always had images flash in my mind as I try to go to sleep in the dark, but everyone does? Right? Purple stained , purple fog , weird purple faces, not unlike Little mermaid Ursulal before I thought of grabbing my phone.  At the cusp of sleep sometimes it is like sound in my head that is like someone is channel surfing. I can't get serenity.  Herbal teas for thos don't help  . It's like the only peace I will get is being dead. And that dumps a lot of dread that looks over me. Non-stop 

The antsy jumpynessvtwitchy. Back when I believed in astral travel and such. Even doing that pur Kevin edge. And even though I don't believe in reality shifting. I tried to do something like it. That is jarring. I guess I do it wrong and I injured myself. It's torture. I don't understand. And that is harrowing. Not knowing how to calm. I don't think it is due to perpetual caffination. And even if part of me did have an off and on switch. Using that is terrifying. I wonder if the withdrawal I had if medication in the 90s brain damaged me. I was fine then for a few days I was in shock, all I did was lie there stunned. Thinking if I fell asleep I would die. My mom says that was with drawls. For years it felt like a mystery  . Some kind of catatonic depression  maybe she is wrong. Maybe that is when my mood started. Part of that is how I feel now.

10/6/23 5:45 pm. I was somewhat fine, then the Axel thing put me in a mini panic attack that is lingering. I fear I will never recover. And that makes it worse.

I can't cry about something so stupid. Only the painfull mood it gives me. Even mixing celestial seasonings tension tamer and bigilow stress free tea doesn't help my on edge feeling.