screaming on a hill

I keep thinking I cannot be affectionate, but without a stuffed animal being a proxy for a character I have a crush on, or when I beluef the spirit of one could inhabit a plush, I cannot imagine glomming onto another doll without that idea. I used to be snuggly, as I am told but that changed after the spine surgery I had at age 6. Now I am weird with cuddling. Or hugging. And kissing is out of the question 

 I think a lot of my inner monolouging and preparing conversations spiked when I got the internet, back in the inside the web days of the gryphon's guild. as the togetherness of community seemed to set up the idea people care about the members and what they need to say. a "hey I was away for 3 days because vacation, here is what happened" I was going to do that in this echo chamber about going to Ontario from friday to monday, but now I don't . and I hope I stop preparing and rerembering this. it was ok. my mom wanted to see her husband and his family. there were some mishaps in travel, and him forgetting he can't come to Niagra with us in the car, because we were leaving after Niagra. my mom can't drive him home 2 hours away, then take 2 hours back, when it takes 5 or 6 hours to get back to New Jersey. we ate at a buffet where you order from an Ipad. we got to much food and I feel so bad I did not eat all we ordered(my choice for my self). the chemotherapty f...

 I keep ruminating and inner monologing, scripting on rapid repeat and I forget what I was going to put here.  anway. in the late 90's some friends of mine had a sleep over at their mother. their mother was into weird spirtual things, crystal healing and such. with a Kerskin's ESP board (and some protection prayer I had thrown away some years ago, it contained phrases like "we surround ourselves in white light") they came into contact with an (Incan?) girl named Kolisp. somehow she knew ff7's Sephiroth(who's last name is something like Kaiytaki kyutaki?). we eventualy befriended what were various "spirits" of fictional characters and went a romantic rout. I was not paying attintion to Saga Fronteir's Ildon being gay and blind, but I feel for that green haired Mystic. well he wound up being evil, an imposter. I think Mike was his name. maybe Mike was another being. he tried hurting those friends, and one of our group of friends had his (spirit com...

  I killed off parts of my self. once in middle school and I don't "sing anymore". and at age 17 because I didn't feel like I was growing up much. I invisioned invicerating a Goldilocks looking character. and then ...uh. I wasn't the same. is that ultra masking? it's just a smoldering hole. I assume one should be a little over the top when role playing, and not drull "yes I want to grab the sword, please give dice" and not, sit there and act like I'm telling a story. I couldn't do that. maybe in text, role play chat rooms. or if I ever have to entertain a child. "i ain't playing dolls with ya kid" or, the singing, just sit on a bus and just make up lyrics on the fly. and be jovial about it. the singing embrassed a friend. I also had this giant feather duster in my locker when at middle school. I would pretend it jumped out at me and I fight it. nobody found it amuzing, so I stoped.

 I forgot blogger is attached to your google. and not your facebook. what is the one with facebook? I don't know if I'd really use this under this name. but I think maybe people will find it. use it in place of LJ, because I assume it's not as active, and that is not my life anymore. I can't go back to that life. most of those people. and the face most of it was tied to websites that don't exist anymore, for communities I'm not part of. this. so long go. I'm remenising and it hurts very bad. not to mention, just my drama. I have the other blogspot. Kaiyodei. that was to be my new brand name, I've ruined the Kuwaizair one, and I'm possibly going to ruin Kaiydei why did I think this was linked to facebook?