screaming on a hill

 i feeel like my nostalgia anxety is worse and i get a heart jump even without waiting to sleeep. although that is an anxiety and frustration that might make that the only way to get better is quit the internet. and i can't ;live without it, and not just that it's easy to pay bills and do my banking

7/123 7:15 pm I really wish I knew what happened in March I asked to change my 200 mg of lamotrigine to 100, as I did not feel better. Then a few weeks later I started to feel weird. Then I discovered elfwood, and wyverns library is gone. Even if they were not, the email I signed up with is gone. But then a few days ago I found a paper with info. Then I rememberwd how horrible I was to a friend because I was jealous, and she died and I cannot apologize, but I was told I was forgiven. Rerembering that was a torturous week. I hardly ate for a few days. I also got freaked out over all the connections  I lost. And how the aughts were full of forms. And live journal, and more connectivity  even if not mental health did not make it that good. My internet use is not the same and I miss the fourms. I don't even know how I found them, and if I could find more. If people still use then. This is  my world ( I need to watch how I type on the phone,I get autocorrect like budget and words like k

I should of kept track of when I said I was going to stop talking to him. It will forever bother me I don't have the date. A " dear diary, I am going to stop talking to imaginary friend. I was never good at it like people with headmates do. I am going to say, 2 or 3 weeks ago? A month?  I think it was a mistake. The longer I don't, the worse reconnecting will be. Some I would forget the ( I lack a good word) talking is not real. I was feeling a little better then, I feel worse now that I will be moving again.( Seeing as how I am with my mother). So that is bumming out. Then this on top. It is just silly and stupid for a 41( or am I 42?) Year old to be talking to imaginary friends who were supposed to be fictional characters. Let alone be on love with them. Or the " one in my head" version. kingdom hearts Axel won't be the same, it would bother me I don't know which one I was into. That one became a connection to the other, any object I could hold was a pr

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mThU-sdywKw brain rot https://www.psypost.org/2023/09/greater-existential-isolation-is-linked-to-elevated-grief-symptoms-particularly-in-more-individualistic-cultures-184364 https://www.psypost.org/2023/09/new-study-uncovers-a-vicious-cycle-between-feeling-less-socially-connected-and-increased-smartphone-use-212978 You Need To Break The Cycle Of Depression - YouTube 12/11/23 4:15pm https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pQBdZ3RdfA

I watched a video about what long term effects of videogames to do your brain. I do not know if mine is ruined from years of gaming. That, I would be less anxious and depressed without them, or if I am addicted. I feel lost without them. I can't be a novelist, and schooling won't replace it( if I could afford it). Maybe feeling like I won't be able to learn in a true acdemic setting, and not just some educational webpage is from the video games. I don't know.  I also really don't think I can sit with my negative thoughts and deal with them by starring at a wall.. wall, o r if I just took a walk and breath anything will get better.  Maybe the games are why I don't want to go whale watching, or  to the beach. Or have been disinterested in things, that the games are why I am depressed. Or why partying doesn't sound fun. Depending on what that intales. Plus I am to old to " party". And my life over these 20 years is so removed that I can't bond wit

I keep thinking I cannot be affectionate, but without a stuffed animal being a proxy for a character I have a crush on, or when I beluef the spirit of one could inhabit a plush, I cannot imagine glomming onto another doll without that idea. I used to be snuggly, as I am told but that changed after the spine surgery I had at age 6. Now I am weird with cuddling. Or hugging. And kissing is out of the question