screaming on a hill

7/123 7:15 pm I really wish I knew what happened in March I asked to change my 200 mg of lamotrigine to 100, as I did not feel better. Then a few weeks later I started to feel weird. Then I discovered elfwood, and wyverns library is gone. Even if they were not, the email I signed up with is gone. But then a few days ago I found a paper with info. Then I rememberwd how horrible I was to a friend because I was jealous, and she died and I cannot apologize, but I was told I was forgiven. Rerembering that was a torturous week. I hardly ate for a few days. I also got freaked out over all the connections  I lost. And how the aughts were full of forms. And live journal, and more connectivity  even if not mental health did not make it that good. My internet use is not the same and I miss the fourms. I don't even know how I found them, and if I could find more. If people still use then. This is  my world ( I need to watch how I type on the phone,I get autocorrect like budget and wo...

I should of kept track of when I said I was going to stop talking to him. It will forever bother me I don't have the date. A " dear diary, I am going to stop talking to imaginary friend. I was never good at it like people with headmates do. I am going to say, 2 or 3 weeks ago? A month?  I think it was a mistake. The longer I don't, the worse reconnecting will be. Some I would forget the ( I lack a good word) talking is not real. I was feeling a little better then, I feel worse now that I will be moving again.( Seeing as how I am with my mother). So that is bumming out. Then this on top. It is just silly and stupid for a 41( or am I 42?) Year old to be talking to imaginary friends who were supposed to be fictional characters. Let alone be on love with them. Or the " one in my head" version. kingdom hearts Axel won't be the same, it would bother me I don't know which one I was into. That one became a connection to the other, any object I could hold was a pr...

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mThU-sdywKw brain rot https://www.psypost.org/2023/09/greater-existential-isolation-is-linked-to-elevated-grief-symptoms-particularly-in-more-individualistic-cultures-184364 https://www.psypost.org/2023/09/new-study-uncovers-a-vicious-cycle-between-feeling-less-socially-connected-and-increased-smartphone-use-212978 You Need To Break The Cycle Of Depression - YouTube 12/11/23 4:15pm https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pQBdZ3RdfA

I watched a video about what long term effects of videogames to do your brain. I do not know if mine is ruined from years of gaming. That, I would be less anxious and depressed without them, or if I am addicted. I feel lost without them. I can't be a novelist, and schooling won't replace it( if I could afford it). Maybe feeling like I won't be able to learn in a true acdemic setting, and not just some educational webpage is from the video games. I don't know.  I also really don't think I can sit with my negative thoughts and deal with them by starring at a wall.. wall, o r if I just took a walk and breath anything will get better.  Maybe the games are why I don't want to go whale watching, or  to the beach. Or have been disinterested in things, that the games are why I am depressed. Or why partying doesn't sound fun. Depending on what that intales. Plus I am to old to " party". And my life over these 20 years is so removed that I can't bond wit...

I keep thinking I cannot be affectionate, but without a stuffed animal being a proxy for a character I have a crush on, or when I beluef the spirit of one could inhabit a plush, I cannot imagine glomming onto another doll without that idea. I used to be snuggly, as I am told but that changed after the spine surgery I had at age 6. Now I am weird with cuddling. Or hugging. And kissing is out of the question 

 I think a lot of my inner monolouging and preparing conversations spiked when I got the internet, back in the inside the web days of the gryphon's guild. as the togetherness of community seemed to set up the idea people care about the members and what they need to say. a "hey I was away for 3 days because vacation, here is what happened" I was going to do that in this echo chamber about going to Ontario from friday to monday, but now I don't . and I hope I stop preparing and rerembering this. it was ok. my mom wanted to see her husband and his family. there were some mishaps in travel, and him forgetting he can't come to Niagra with us in the car, because we were leaving after Niagra. my mom can't drive him home 2 hours away, then take 2 hours back, when it takes 5 or 6 hours to get back to New Jersey. we ate at a buffet where you order from an Ipad. we got to much food and I feel so bad I did not eat all we ordered(my choice for my self). the chemotherapty f...

 I keep ruminating and inner monologing, scripting on rapid repeat and I forget what I was going to put here.  anway. in the late 90's some friends of mine had a sleep over at their mother. their mother was into weird spirtual things, crystal healing and such. with a Kerskin's ESP board (and some protection prayer I had thrown away some years ago, it contained phrases like "we surround ourselves in white light") they came into contact with an (Incan?) girl named Kolisp. somehow she knew ff7's Sephiroth(who's last name is something like Kaiytaki kyutaki?). we eventualy befriended what were various "spirits" of fictional characters and went a romantic rout. I was not paying attintion to Saga Fronteir's Ildon being gay and blind, but I feel for that green haired Mystic. well he wound up being evil, an imposter. I think Mike was his name. maybe Mike was another being. he tried hurting those friends, and one of our group of friends had his (spirit com...